Hey you, my little narcissist buddy

Everything about her was big.

Personality. Laugh. Volume. Opinions. Fights. Ass. Even the letters of her name. Everything. But the biggest thing? Her love-bombing. Expert level Love Bomber:

“I saw this dress and thought of you, so I bought it for you.”

“I bought this watch that I never wear, take it, it will look good on you.”

“Let’s fly to the city for a day and go shopping.”

“You are so clever!”

“You are so funny!”

“You have such good morals!”

“You have such great style!”

“You are such a loyal friend!”

“You are so level headed!”

“You are a great teacher!”

“You are so respectful!”

And that, dear readers, was step one in how my little narcissistic buddy came to be... (it sounds like a "How It's Made" episode).

We usually think of narcissists in a boyfriend/girlfriend or husband/wife scenario. But the friend/friend scenario is just as real. And we tend to think of them as folks on an ego trip. That isn't totally inaccurate, but there’s much more happening behind the scenes. I think narcissists attend covert Narcissists Unite meetings where they are taught the step-by-step process on how to get their hooks into you.

First off is the idealisation. Oh man. They say the right things, they do the right things, they like what you like, believe in what you believe. They buy the same Adidas sneakers you have. That should have been a red flag, but you know, I thought it was a carnival.

They subtly isolate you from your support system. Little digs aimed at those nearest and dearest to you. And because others have seen the light, but you’re still stuck in the dark, you’re closed off to any potential new friendships. They second-guess all your decisions and usually come up with a better decision, a better solution, a better opinion. They dominate conversations and find actual valid excuses to interrupt your sentences. They are late to every single fucking appointment and make you wait, but they act like a baby if you leave them on a blue tick. And then they congratulate themselves when they tell a funny joke. That's very funny actually.

Then its time for the second hook - the devaluation part of the plan. The push and pull. They adore you today, then will ignore you tomorrow, then you ask “what’s wrong”, then they like you again without any explanation, then you feel silly because you surely only imagined the ignore, then you go phew, sigh of relief - all is good, and then they ignore you again... With every push and pull the hook digs deeper into your tissue. After a while everything is scar tissue, so you feel the sting less and less.

And then comes the final step. The discard. The wrenching of the hook from the scar tissue. The narcissist has now grown tired of the game. So, like a fucking hyena, they lie in wait for a moment, any moment, to yank that hook. My moment was classic. It was over who was going to man the duty phone the following day. The fucking duty phone. A zero-important thing. But narcissists don't care about what the moment looks like, they just need a moment. She provoked and provoked and I reacted. Bam! That was her moment. She pulled the hook.

And the wool from my eyes.

The eye-opening moment was so bright, I bought myself a new pair of Ray Bans and moved to a new fucking country. Myself, my dogs and my rage.

I wrote this piece a while back and at one stage thought to keep the heading, black out all the lines and just end it with "FUCK YOU. I WIN". But tonight I heard someone say: "Share your story. Don't be ashamed of your scars. Wear them openly. Show them. Because your scars are what makes you beautiful."

The shame comes from being a supposed-to-be strong minded girl that allowed herself to be manipulated by this hideous mess of a woman. The rage comes from the same place. And you're stuck in a tornado of emotions. But, if you're wakey enough, you grab onto the lessons that's thrown into this tornado as well.

And here are the 2 biggest ones I caught:

1. Your silence is the best fucking revenge. Don't allow them access to your life. Don't talk about them. Don't talk to them. Trust me, it's like yanking away that slice of greasy-cheese-dripping-pizza that they were about to bite down on...

2. Karma will deal with the rest. Their health, their friendships, their businesses, their children, their spouses - it will all go to shit or require life long therapy.

And then, just as it is in nature, tornado season wears itself out, the new green baby leaves stick out their pretty little faces, the dirty storm clouds lift, the iridescent rainbow shows up.

And it is breathtaking.

Oh and.

FUCK YOU. I WIN.